Newgrounds.com — Everything, By Everyone.

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The humor in this play doesn't come natural to me. But I enjoyed exploring a different approach to humor, this being more slap stick and something more available to people. And come on... you can't tell me people don't "experiment" during college. Enjoy...

ALL CATS ARE GREY
by
Ché Enrique Muñoz Ramírez
© 2010

Draft: January, 2010

CAST OF CHARACTERS:
(2M)

BRODSKY: 20 years old. Stoner. Jules's room mate.
JULES: 19 years old. Frat kid. Brodsky's room mate.

SETTING:
At some Californian party college. End of fall semester 2008.

Jules and Brodsky sit in their dorm couch, watching TV.

BRODSKY
Jules?

JULES
Yeah?

BRODSKY
I'm bored.

JULES
Me too. Is there anything for tonight, Brodsky?

BRODSKY
Nope.

JULES
Uh.

BRODSKY
I'm horny.

JULES
Me too.

BRODSKY
Very horny.

JULES
Me too.

BRODSKY
I thought you said you were shaking things up with Mia.

JULES
Naw, that brod is old news. What's up with Lisa?

BRODSKY
She gone.

JULES
What happened.

BRODSKY
I dunno.

JULES
Uh.
(Beat.)
So, what do we do now?

BRODSKY
Know any girls?

JULES
Naw. And you?

BRODSKY
Naw.

JULES
Mmm.

BRODSKY
Why are we always like this on Friday.

JULES
Work. School. We got no life.

BRODSKY
You got money? We could rent a movie.

JULES
No. You got money?

BRODSKY
No.
(Beat.)
God, I am soooo horny!

JULES
Well, what do you want me to do about that!

BRODSKY
Nothing. Just saying. I could be saying E=MC2, and it would mean nothing.

JULES
Mmm. I know how to recite Pi. 3.141592653589793...

BRODSKY
(Overlapping while Jules recites Pi.)
Nerd.
(Beat.)
Let's call Scott.

JULES
He busy.

BRODSKY
With what?

JULES
Spends all his time with his boyfriend.

BRODSKY
Boyfriend? You mean he's...

JULES
Yup, yup...

BRODSKY
I didn't think he was... He's so butch, so macho, so...

JULES
Those are the ones you got to suspect the most. He's what you would call a bear.

BRODSKY
A bear?

JULES
Yeah. Bear. Bears tend to be hairy, look tough and mean, but they're all into that.

BRODSKY
Really?

JULES
Yeah. And he says it's easier to be gay too.

BRODSKY
Bet it is. Guys are horny all the time. They would be like, "You horny?" to another guy, and the other guy would be like, "Yeah, I'm horny." And then it's boom-boom-boom, all done. That would be a sweet deal... I mean, If I were into that sort of stuff.

JULES
Yeah, and with girls you got to do things for them. First its dinner, then the movies, then the endless talking when all you really want is to screw. And for all that hard work and wasted money all you get is some weak head.

BRODSKY
It would be great if we were gay.

JULES
If that didn't sound so stupid, I bet it would be.

BRODSKY
It would be like asking for a favor.

JULES
You don't need to be gay to ask for a favor.

BRODSKY
No, of course not.

JULES
Just only a favor.
They look at each other. Considering beat-pause.

BRODSKY
And it would be nothing.

JULES
No big...

BRODSKY
It's like having a sex buddy.

JULES
Only with a guy sex buddy...

BRODSKY
Yeah...

JULES
I mean, hypothetically speaking, if we had sex, that wouldn't make us gay.

BRODSKY
Not gay at all...

JULES
We would be two straight guys engaging in sex.

BRODSKY
It's gay only if you like dudes.

JULES
We would do it just to let out some steam.

BRODSKY
Just to let out some pressure...

JULES
I mean, I voted for Prop. 8.

BRODSKY
Hell, if I ever voted, I would have voted for Prop. 8 too!

JULES
Hell yeah!

They both stand up, and do their elaborate, cool and funny handshake. Then they sit back down.

JULES
Yup.

BRODSKY
Uh-huhhh...

JULES
They do it all the time in prison.

BRODSKY
Have you seen Oz?

JULES
Great series. Have you seen Blood In, Blood Out?

BRODSKY
Great movie...

JULES
We really got to rent that one day... yup.

BRODSKY
Uh-hah...

JULES
So...

BRODSKY
Yeah...

JULES
So, why don't we...

BRODSKY
Yeah, why don't we...

JULES
Okay.

BRODSKY
Alright.

JULES
But just like friend thing, okay?

BRODSKY
I scratch your back, and you scratch mine.

JULES
Soooo....

BRODSKY
Yeahhh...

JULES
I guess we're doing this.

BRODSKY
Yeahhhhh... So... What do we do?

JULES
I don't know. You're pretty hairy.

BRODSKY
You too.

JULES
Maybe if we put down the lights?

BRODSKY
That works for me. It's like what they say. In the dark, all cats are grey.

JULES
All cats are grey, aren't they? I'll turn down the lights.
(Dims a few lights. Sits back on couch with Brodsky.)
So, what do we do?

BRODSKY
Yeah, sooooo.... What do we do first?

JULES
I dunno. What did you use to do with Lisa?

BRODSKY
I first kiss her on the neck.

JULES
Yeah, let's not do that...

BRODSKY
Just saying what I did with Lisa. Doesn't mean I'm going to gently kiss you on the nape of your neck.

JULES
(Mocking.)
Pffftt...

BRODSKY
Oh yeah? What did you do with Mia?

JULES
Foot messages.

BRODSKY
Foot messages?

JULES
She loved it when I sucked on her big toes.

BRODSKY
Ohhhh.
(Beat.)
Do you want to suck on my big toes?

JULES
Hell no!

BRODSKY
Just saying...

JULES
Okay, this ain't hard. I mean, before sex, it's all about arousal. It's logical. All we have to do is think what makes us horny. What makes you horny.

BRODSKY
Nipples.

JULES
What?

BRODSKY
I like my nipples to be played with. Pinched around and licked at.

JULES
Dude...

BRODSKY
Hey! No judgment. So, what makes you horny.

JULES
Dido.

BRODSKY
Dido! You think nipples is more weird than Dido?

JULES
Something about her voice. It sets the mood.

BRODSKY
Well, whatever floats your boat... I got some Dido.
He gets up, and plays Dido's "Thank You" on the stereo. He goes back, and sits next to Jules. After a while, Jules starts to play Brodsky's nipples clumsily outside his shirt.

JULES
Is this doing anything for you?

BRODSKY
No. Is Dido doing anything for you?

JULES
Naw... Not this time. Maybe if I closed my eyes...
Jules closes his eyes.

BRODSKY
Better?

JULES
Naw... Better?

BRODSKY
Naw... Maybe. Maybe if you...
(Lifts up his shirt to show his nipple.)
Sucked on my nipples?

JULES
(Gets up, turns of radio)
OKAY! You got some hairy nipples. I am not gonna suck your hairy nipples. That ain't right!

BRODSKY
Well of course it ain't right!

JULES
This is what girls do.

BRODSKY
Of course. And we're not a couple of brods.

JULES
We're guys...

BRODSKY
Hell yeah!

JULES
So, let's cut this girl shit with the kissing and the messaging and the fake fantasy shit cause all I want is to get it over with.

BRODSKY
Yeah.

JULES
So, bend over.

BRODSKY
Whoa-hey-man...

JULES
I'll do it quick. I'll go second.

BRODSKY
Why can't I go first?

JULES
You're bigger, you would decimate me before I could go next...

BRODSKY
Well I... what????

JULES
The smaller one should go first.

BRODSKY
How the hell do you know that I'm not smaller than you?

JULES
I mean... Dude. You know.

BRODSKY
No.

JULES
Not that I'm trying to scope you. I just... noticed. You know.

BRODSKY
No, I don't know.

JULES
I... Um... I... By accident, I saw you after P.E. You're pretty big.

BRODSKY
(Weirded out.)
I... Mmmmm.... I.... Ohmmmm...

JULES
Okay, this is too much for me.

BRODSKY
Yeah, me too. Okay, this is just stupid. Look, how about if we start off something small.

JULES
Like what?

BRODSKY
Maybe kissing.

JULES
I don't like that idea.

BRODSKY
All I'm just saying is that we could kiss first. Something small. And, if it feels good, we go on to the next step... Just more kissing... And after that, maybe some frottaging.

JULES
It's a plan, I guess.

BRODSKY
That's a great plan. We'll work into it and if it doesn't feel right, then we'll stop.

JULES
We'll stop and that's the end. No more experiments.

BRODSKY
Yeah...
They face each other. Looking deeply in each other's eyes.

JULES
Brodsky.

BRODSKY
Yeah?

JULES
Did you wash your mouth?

BRODSKY
Yeah... Jules?

JULES
Yeah?

BRODSKY
I think your lips look a little chapped.

JULES
Really? Lemme get some Chapstick.
(They pull away. Jules puts on a liberal amount of Chapstick.)
Okay, ready.
They get close to each other, looking in each others eyes.

BRODSKY
(Getting closer...)
Jules.

JULES
(Getting closer...)
Yeah?

BRODSKY
(Getting closer...)
That smells good.

JULES
(Getting closer...)
Thanks.

BRODSKY
(Getting closer...)
Is it strawberry?

JULES
(Getting closer...)
Naw...

BRODSKY
(Getting closer... whisper)
Is it... original?

JULES
(Getting closer... whisper)
Naw...

BRODSKY
(Getting closer... whisper)
Is it... cherry?
Jules breaks away, looks at the Chapstick.

JULES
I dunno, lemme see... It's cherry, yes, it's cherry...

BRODSKY
Ahh... Cherry.

JULES
Cherry.

BRODSKY
Classic.

JULES
Classic cherry.

BRODSKY
There's a reason why it's called a classic.

JULES
Yup. Nothing beats the classics.
(His cell phone rings, and he answer.)
Hello? Mia. Hey... What am I doing? Nothing. I sound happy because I'm happy to hear you. Yeah... You miss me? Well, I miss you too, girl. Yeah, I'll come over. Okay... Bye.
(Puts away cellphone. Then to Brodsky
It's Mia. She misses me. She rented a movie and got some popcorn.

BRODSKY
Oh... Okay. Are you going now, Jules?

JULES
Yeah...

BRODSKY
(Sounding hurt.)
Oh. Okay.

JULES
Brodsky... You'll always be my vato.

BRODSKY
Yeah.

JULES
Say it with me.

BRODSKY
You're my vato.

JULES
Say what?

BRODSKY
You're my vato!

JULES
Say what!!!

BRODSKY
(Happily, loudly.)
You're my vato!!! Boi....

JULES
Ye-yeah!
(Doing the impression from "Blood In, Blood Out.")
"Vatos Locos, Forever."

BRODSKY
Yeah, don't say that ever again.
(Hug between them.)
Just don't say anything about this.

BRODSKY
Never...

JULES
Let's stop hugging.
The break apart from each other.

BRODSKY
Yeah...
(His cell phone rings. He looks at it.)
It's Lisa...
(Does an effeminate cheerful squeal. Jules stares at Brodsky.)
You didn't see that.

JULES
(Leaving.)
See what?
Brodsky goes to the couch happily, and talks with Lisa.

BRODSKY
Hey, girl...

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